What to do.

He's done it again.  He's proved to me that he doesn't have the capability to understand his actions.  He just doesn't get it.  I've looked into the definition of a sociopath and at the time I didn't think Ron was one. But with this latest action I'm not so sure.  It doesn't really matter what it was that he did.  It's just that knowing this makes me wonder if I should stay or go.  Many many times I've thought about getting my own storage unti and packing it with dishes, pots, pans, towels.  Things I would need to make the great escape. 
    Hold it a minute...!  Aren't I doing just the same thing as MY mother.
I think I'm confused....Sure my husband is a jerk.  Stupid at times, unthoughtfull, lasks feelings, doesn't cope in todays world and lives in Ron's World.   But and this is huge Kathryn....He's always there for you.  He's always there for you.  This man who lacks feelings has sat in an E.R. waiting room with you for 10 + hours.  He came to visit you in the hospital last year everyday.  Every single day....!   He does the dishes, helps out with the laundry.  Yet he isn't a very touchy, feely type of guy....!   True he isn't emotionally available, but fuck kathryn you can't expect him to be perfect..  Or do you..?
Maybe I want to bult and run because I'm the one who's emotionally unavailable.  Or I want to be the drama queen again.  I tend to freak out if I don't have a lot of drama going on.
    I'm tired of myself....!   All I want right now is some stability.  Some peace and quit in my home and in my life.  No deaths, no terminations, no moving, no drama.  Maybe vocational rehab was right.  I do have a lot going on.  It doesn't feel that way because I live it dailly.  I know I'm not actually doing anything by ways of work or volunterring.  I did try and take a class yesterday. But the school canceled it.   I did none the less find out about some new classes offered that I'm going to take.  This is the only type of drama I want at this time.  I can live with this. ! 
    All I want for Christmas is peace and quit.  A nice settlement to keep us comfortable and maybe a trip to the snow with some hot cocoa & marshmellows along side a warm fire.  You get the picture.

Isolating

I didn't realize how long it's been since my last post.  So much to say I don't know where to start.  First of all I'm typing with my eyes closed.  Why you say.  I don't know.  Today it just semms to help me dump more stuff.  Less thought goes into what I want to say.  I just type away and dump.  So here goes. 
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O.K.  I feel better now.  Not really alot but better.    Here's my list of SHIT to dump off my doormat. 
My husbands enumployment has been delayed becuase he's trying to inprove himself by going to school.  It's the beginning of our ninth week without a check and I'm getting tired of it.  Fuck...I am tired, worn out, panicky and pissoff.  How can the government delay his payment.  Sure the Obama stimulus package is paying his way threw school but on the state level the EDD office is so fucking back logged with people going to school that the checks aren't getting out in a timely fashion.  Plus.. my car won't start.  WAAAAAAAA!
Then we have my demand letter to "won't mention company".  You have 14 business days to pay up or we take you to court.  I'm asking for $100,00.00!   Nice, but right now I'd settle for anything.  I don't think my attorney realizes how much I need the money.  My ears just started to ring so maybe she's talking about my case.  I'm trying to get my consultant at the DFEH in touch with my attorney and there playing phone tag.  I want this (company) to offer me something yesterday simply so I can pay the rent and not be evicted.

My title today is isolation.....I really need to get out of the house but I'm scared.  I know this sounds crazy but it's my truth.  It's been 21 month's since I got terminated from a job I really wanted to keep.  I got sick, took myself to the hospital and they terminated me.  That's what the suit is about.  They terminated me and I'm tired of it.  I seem to get myself into so much trouble I'm scared to go out..!  My oldest son won't let me see my grand-daughter, my two youngest are grown and don't need mom as much. My sister and I don't speak so I'm home alone.  I don't have any friends to speak off.  Do my neighbors count.  We only talk when we pass each other in the hall.  Why don't I go out to the mall you say.  Because I'm tired of the mall.  We don't have money to spend...Hell I don't even go to the movies anymore.  So the other night I bought a bottle of Seagrams 7.  FUCK,  I think I better call AA.  I'm drowning in all this crap and I need a helping smile of comfort/companionship/words of wisdom/and maybe, just maybe a friend.  Then again I'd probably chase him/her away with my wineing. God I'm on the pitty pot and I hate when I feel like this.  God please help me reach out for help.  Please. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be looked at because I've gained more weight. I just want to be alive again and not scared to go out side.  I think my fear is I get into so much trouble by myself that if I stay home I can't get into trouble.  It's not true.  I've had panic attacks, my husband and I are at each others throats and I am going to stop typing and pick up the thousand pound phone.  Pray for me Lord,

Habit of hasty decisions.

I always want to fix things without thinking of the results. I need to have an auto breaking system built into my brain which would force me to slow down. But then the "I know everything" syndrome would take over and a battle would then ensue which would only end up with me having a headache. Talk about seeing the glass half empty. Let's face it. We all wish we could make better judgements. If we could we doormats wouldn't be struggling with out issue's. Part of being a doormat is also part of being co-dependant. From what I understand, being co-dependant is when we put others needs before us even when our actions aren't in our best interests. WE ARE PEOPLE PLEASER'S TO THE MAX. Then when we stand up for ourselves our family's react in disgust. "Your the problem" they say. Well dahhh!, of course I'm the problem. I'm your problem because I will not put up with your crap anymore. I can stand up for myself and if YOU have a problem with that then you have the problem.
Did I just make any sense?

Moving on, My husband starts school tomorrow and I'm going to enjoy having my home to myself again. I'm looking into some volunteer work to get out some. I enjoy working with people and I've heard that being a volunteer can be very rewarding. Maybe I'll even make some friends. I'd love to have friends over for diner. I'm becoming a pretty good cook.

I called my mother yesterday to say I was sorry for all the trouble I gave to her when I was growing up. My 20 year old son is living with me while he goes to college and getting him to do the dishes is like pulling a tooth from a gorilla. I can't wait until he has kids of his own.

Later.

New Discovery

Each day we all should try and discover something new. Be it anything that stricks our interests. Today I found a very different and create way to express oneself threw "the art of story telling ala food." Sounds pretty original to me, I like it. Story telling ala food. O.K. get ahold of yourself it's not like you found the coure for parking tickets. Yet I did realize that I need to keep an open mind mainly because if you don't you close yourselves to color. And I have found that life is in fact Color. How boring things would be if not for color. True some prefer blonds as they say. I prefer milk chocolate. Don't ask me where I'm going with this because hell if I know. I'm stoned.....ohh so stoned.

Back to discovery's. You don't have to be smoking to enjoy color. Sometimes I like to just stare at the fall leaves. If my suit with that company goes threw I'll be a happy lady. Not a rich one, but a happy one.

Letting go hurts so deep.

Just another day in my world folks. I received an e-mail from my sister which said, "your the problem". Nice yes. It's hard when two people who say they love each other can't stand to be around the other. Yet in my heart of hearts I know this is for the best. I know if I let myself get close to her again she would slam the door in my face just as she has before. Letting go means just that, letting go. There's no turning back, no second chances. You cut the chain that binds you and you bravely move on. Trying to keep your head held high. Knowing you have made the right decision. Yet this hurts more than breaking up with a boyfriend, or when you get a divorce. This is family...! and admitting things can not be worked out cuts deep.
I wish her health and happiness. May she continue to always to land on her feet. But I'm sorry sis, too much pain runs under the bridge. But we'll always have Kentucky. I'd rather remember Kentucky than remember how we've fought, how we've let each other down. I'll miss you.

My daughter hasn't come over to my home in almost 2 months, My oldest son doesn't call me nor does he allow me to see my grand daughter. She turned 1 years old last July. She's now 14 months old and I've only seen her once. The day after she was born. If you where to look at the common denominator in all of this. That would be me. At this time I have three people not speaking to me. Two children and one sister.

Maybe I'm trying to chear myself up by writting how letting go hurts and it's the right thing to do. Yet I know I would love to hear from my children.

Three people not speaking to me makes a person wonder if they really are the problem. But I'm tired, so very tired of trying and failing to make people like me. You can't really "make" anyone like you I know this. I suppose I mean I'm tired of trying and getting no where with them.

Sometimes I wonder about moving back East. I know my husband loves me and this is comforting. I love him too.

Oh, By the Way

Did I ever mention I was Bi-Polar. Sorry I missed that part but yeah that's me. Bi-Polar and proud of it. It's great when you want to clean something, bad when your family stays clear of you. My que from my husband is him signing "Manic Monday". Then of course I get mad at him and protest. "I'M NOT MANIC I'M JUST TRYING TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN." Look out the train is loose and speeding down the soft scrub highway.

Being a Bi-Polar doormat is easily understandable. People don't want to be around you much less help you clean anything. They know that if they leave things alone mom will get tired of it and fly threw the house like a witch with golden gloves. Comet in one hand and sponge in the other. God Bless the fool who gets in her way. The tidy man even hides. The cats go under the bed and my husband comes out in about three days.

Is it clear yet, has she landed. Usually they can tell it's over when I remember to eat.

Did you notice

I'm not the best speller on the planet. God Bless spell check. Now just remind me to use it more often.

Choclate

Do you prefer dark or light chocolate. I prefer light, the dark is too strong for me. It doesn't matter really it's just a question. I've chosen the title "Chocolate" because Today I'm describing my door mat as just that, "Chocolate". Why you ask, because I was talking with a nice person today and I said I was trying to shave the thickness of my chocolate doormat. Question?, do I eat the shavings or is this even possible. I'll just say I like chocolate.

As I've mentioned doormat's come in many different styles, shapes, sizes, and what they are made of depends on your own personal perception. For today, chocolate is sweet. Some day's my doormat is made of chicken fat, lard, steel, or the classic dog shit. It's all perception really. Yet it's our thoughts and perception of ourselves that really make up the doormat to begin with.
For example: If we didn't feel trampled on, walked on, stepped on, or just plain run over. We wouldn't be feeling like a doormat. We'd feel the sun's light on our faces. The cool breeze that comes with the change of the season. We wouldn't feel tired and sad, hopeless or mad, fearful and glad, Glad where did I get glad,, How can you be fearful yet glad at the same time.
Anyone of you who are fearful are on the right track. We don't know what not feeling like a doormat feels like. We don't know what it's like to be confident and free. So yeah....being fearful is O.K. for a doormat. It takes courage and nothing short of a strong resolve to want to change the way we are. Yet by changing and growing we learn to love ourselves. The fear comes from not knowing if the one's you love will love you back. At this point I'm not sure I even care anymore if they do or they don't care about me.

Have you ever experienced unconditional love. " I have ". My cat loves me everyday no matter what.

Speechless

We all have heard the news about J.C. Dugard and her children. My heart really really hurts for her. I'm tearful as I write because I can't fathom the terror this child had to go threw. I myself am a survivor of child molestation. It's taken my years to even begin to deal with my truths. For along long time I was mad at Jesus. I blamed him for not protecting me, for not keeping me safe. I was raised as a Catholic and I went to church every Sunday as well as going to Catholic School. I was also abused and beaten by one of the schools nuns. Go figure!

I don't want this blog to be about religion even though I do consider myself as a "Recovering Catholic" I want to write about the hope's of the future and what it holds for all. Yet at the same time I remember just how bad J.C. and her children had to live for the past 18 years. I can not compare any of my experiences to what this child/children had to live threw. But the sad part is her children don't know any different and that's the way it is for many of us doormats. We don't know we are even a doormat much less finding and discovering a different way of life.

"What you don't know, you don't know."

How do you know what a strawberry taste's like if all you've had is plastic.
How do you know what love is if all you've had is pain.

Even though I'm no longer a Catholic. I do believe very strongly. Yet in today's age and from what has been told about J.C. I'm having some doubts. I have to remind myself about the fact that God did give us the ability of choice. It's our privilege to be able and free to make choices. Unfortunately I have come to believe not that not all of us make the right choice's. That is why many people are locked up in prison's.

I don't think Philip Garrido will ever take responsibility for his crimes. His past history proves this.

But to those of you who have knowledge of being a doormat, who have experienced it's demeaning affect it has on us. Do yourself a favor and get some professional help as I have.

If it sounds like I'm rambling more than I normally am. Please understand my lack of focus. I can't stop thinking about J.C. and her babies. Animals are treated better then she was.

The police have there hands full just keep this perp alive. I'm sure there are millions of people having the same thoughts I'm having.

Perfectionism

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life . . . I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

Just another thought.

If you think for a second that I'm not a doormat. Don't kid yourselve's. I'm probably the thickest and most dorable doormat there is. I never give up. I know what's right for me and no one know's me better. If you believe this I have some great swamp land I can sell you really cheap. I'm the worst of the worst.

This blog is about recovery. Of my experience, strength and hope nothing more. I just figure one doormat can help another. Why not, it works for all kinds of other people. Why not us.

Sister's

Luckily I only have one sister. She can be a real pain in the ass. She tends to hold me to a higher standard that she herself can't live up too. It's O.k. for her to make mistakes and say I'm sorry but if I do that then she won't talk to me. That's what people in my family do if there upset with me. They stop talking to me. Then I feel like I have to beg their forgiveness and kiss there toe's.

Doormat rule no. whatever it doesn't matter, but doormat rule for this. Take the doormat away, then they have nothing to step on anymore. Don't put your feelings out there for them to grab hold of and throw your feelings away when there done. We have to learn that what we say to people has great consequences. Us doormats don't have the best communication skills. If we did we wouldn't be some one's doormat to begin with. We are very sensitive and we get our feeling hurt easily and they know this and they will do as they please with our feelings. So the key is, acceptance. This in no way means you have to like it, just accept it. Sometimes a relationship is too damaged to try and work something out. Sometimes we have to walk away no matter how much it hurts. Funny thing is, by doing this we regain our own self respect.

Respect yourself, Listen to Aretha Franklin, the women knows what she's talking about.

Just a quick note for today. I've been with my husband for over 13 years. There are days when I want to move out and divorce him and days when I can tolerate him. After 13 years the days of wanting to be with him aren't there anymore. I like him, yet can't stand him at the same time. Our sex life is boring, dull, no passion, but adequit I think. Once we get going it's not bad, but there really isn't any foreplay to speak of. Why do men think that pinching a woman's tit will get them going all the time. Don't they realize we have other parts that work. My mother say's maybe I should put on a nice teddy or do something to get him going. Hell, I'd have better luck getting a puppy to piss on the floor. Sometimes I think we stay togethor only because neither one of us can afford to move. Yeah I know this sounds totally pathetic but I think it's the truth.

I'm signed up with an agency to start assessing me regarding training or work. I want to get out of this house and soon. Ron, my husband, is also starting to do something threw unemployment. Not having any money to see a show or go for a drive is really getting on all of our nerves. I'm hoping that when we both are working again or going to school we can focus out lives on something fun. Like traveling, I'd love to travel. Maybe even far far away from here.

wolf's

Family dynamics can be very similar to a pack of wolves. Who is the dominent one, who is a worker, who has status and who eats first/last. When you try and change your behavior. Your also changing the way people react to you. Your/my family, anyone's family is used to a routine and by changing your routine your upsetting the balance of the family as a whole. People don't want to change and when you do they get upset because it, "feels different". Kathy's acting up, she's asserting herself, she's a pain is the ass. Oh well deal with it people.

Last night my sister told me to mind my own business because I'm stirring up the status quo. I'm shaking the apple cart, more like kicking it softly. I'm speaking out on behalf of my mother and by doing so this effects my sister's furture plans.

This happens within any family so it isn't anything new. It's just new to me! It's hard to stand up for yourself when you've been a doormat all your life and say "Hay, this ain't right". It's hard to speak up and face the bully. Life can be very bullish. Us doormats need all the samson's we can find.

Why am I upset.

Wouldn't you know my sister tells me "to mind my own business". Here I am trying to help out my mother stay out of trouble and she tells me to mind my own business. There I go being co-dependant again. I'm trying to shove the large square box into the small round hole and of course I'm expecting different results. "Insanity". Time to let go. If my mother is charged with welfare fraud it's on her. Not that I don't care people, I've tried to talk to her and she does things the way she wants too. To bad she never thinks of how it may affect other people.

Time to go to sleep...I have a meeting tomorrow at 9:00am. Hopefully I'll have something good to write about.

Later

A new dawn

I've been thinking of writing some type of journal for a while now. One my husband can't find. He's noisy and doesn't understand boundaries. Also we've lost our medical insurance and I can no longer go to bitch at my therapist for the wrongs my family has done, again and again. I did learn some tools while I was bitching. Write a journal, release those thoughts onto paper and set yourself free. I don't know how free I'm going to be but at the moment I'm feeling lighter than before. I'll explain.
One of my biggest doormats is my mother. Lord how I don't want to be like her, PLEASE. I can't tell everything I dislike about her now but I can begin with my accomplishments of today.
"I told my mother she can't live with me when she gets older and needs help"
I know this sounds terrible but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. She does have two other children who she gets along with much better than me. The other day I was trying to talk with her about preparing for old age (she's 76) and why she should at least think about it. I mentioned I didn't think it was a good idea for her to live with me. We don't get along and we have a very long history of bad decisions, bad feelings, bad communication. Bad, Bad, Bad.
So she says to me, But what if I want to live with you. I remind her she has two other children who she gets along with much better than me. Then I hear from her, "What are you going to do, Tell me no. YES. I'm going to tell you no! and I have. Not because I don't love you or don't care. But because I do love you and I'm not your doormat anymore.