New Discovery

Each day we all should try and discover something new. Be it anything that stricks our interests. Today I found a very different and create way to express oneself threw "the art of story telling ala food." Sounds pretty original to me, I like it. Story telling ala food. O.K. get ahold of yourself it's not like you found the coure for parking tickets. Yet I did realize that I need to keep an open mind mainly because if you don't you close yourselves to color. And I have found that life is in fact Color. How boring things would be if not for color. True some prefer blonds as they say. I prefer milk chocolate. Don't ask me where I'm going with this because hell if I know. I'm stoned.....ohh so stoned.

Back to discovery's. You don't have to be smoking to enjoy color. Sometimes I like to just stare at the fall leaves. If my suit with that company goes threw I'll be a happy lady. Not a rich one, but a happy one.

Letting go hurts so deep.

Just another day in my world folks. I received an e-mail from my sister which said, "your the problem". Nice yes. It's hard when two people who say they love each other can't stand to be around the other. Yet in my heart of hearts I know this is for the best. I know if I let myself get close to her again she would slam the door in my face just as she has before. Letting go means just that, letting go. There's no turning back, no second chances. You cut the chain that binds you and you bravely move on. Trying to keep your head held high. Knowing you have made the right decision. Yet this hurts more than breaking up with a boyfriend, or when you get a divorce. This is family...! and admitting things can not be worked out cuts deep.
I wish her health and happiness. May she continue to always to land on her feet. But I'm sorry sis, too much pain runs under the bridge. But we'll always have Kentucky. I'd rather remember Kentucky than remember how we've fought, how we've let each other down. I'll miss you.

My daughter hasn't come over to my home in almost 2 months, My oldest son doesn't call me nor does he allow me to see my grand daughter. She turned 1 years old last July. She's now 14 months old and I've only seen her once. The day after she was born. If you where to look at the common denominator in all of this. That would be me. At this time I have three people not speaking to me. Two children and one sister.

Maybe I'm trying to chear myself up by writting how letting go hurts and it's the right thing to do. Yet I know I would love to hear from my children.

Three people not speaking to me makes a person wonder if they really are the problem. But I'm tired, so very tired of trying and failing to make people like me. You can't really "make" anyone like you I know this. I suppose I mean I'm tired of trying and getting no where with them.

Sometimes I wonder about moving back East. I know my husband loves me and this is comforting. I love him too.

Oh, By the Way

Did I ever mention I was Bi-Polar. Sorry I missed that part but yeah that's me. Bi-Polar and proud of it. It's great when you want to clean something, bad when your family stays clear of you. My que from my husband is him signing "Manic Monday". Then of course I get mad at him and protest. "I'M NOT MANIC I'M JUST TRYING TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN." Look out the train is loose and speeding down the soft scrub highway.

Being a Bi-Polar doormat is easily understandable. People don't want to be around you much less help you clean anything. They know that if they leave things alone mom will get tired of it and fly threw the house like a witch with golden gloves. Comet in one hand and sponge in the other. God Bless the fool who gets in her way. The tidy man even hides. The cats go under the bed and my husband comes out in about three days.

Is it clear yet, has she landed. Usually they can tell it's over when I remember to eat.

Did you notice

I'm not the best speller on the planet. God Bless spell check. Now just remind me to use it more often.

Choclate

Do you prefer dark or light chocolate. I prefer light, the dark is too strong for me. It doesn't matter really it's just a question. I've chosen the title "Chocolate" because Today I'm describing my door mat as just that, "Chocolate". Why you ask, because I was talking with a nice person today and I said I was trying to shave the thickness of my chocolate doormat. Question?, do I eat the shavings or is this even possible. I'll just say I like chocolate.

As I've mentioned doormat's come in many different styles, shapes, sizes, and what they are made of depends on your own personal perception. For today, chocolate is sweet. Some day's my doormat is made of chicken fat, lard, steel, or the classic dog shit. It's all perception really. Yet it's our thoughts and perception of ourselves that really make up the doormat to begin with.
For example: If we didn't feel trampled on, walked on, stepped on, or just plain run over. We wouldn't be feeling like a doormat. We'd feel the sun's light on our faces. The cool breeze that comes with the change of the season. We wouldn't feel tired and sad, hopeless or mad, fearful and glad, Glad where did I get glad,, How can you be fearful yet glad at the same time.
Anyone of you who are fearful are on the right track. We don't know what not feeling like a doormat feels like. We don't know what it's like to be confident and free. So yeah....being fearful is O.K. for a doormat. It takes courage and nothing short of a strong resolve to want to change the way we are. Yet by changing and growing we learn to love ourselves. The fear comes from not knowing if the one's you love will love you back. At this point I'm not sure I even care anymore if they do or they don't care about me.

Have you ever experienced unconditional love. " I have ". My cat loves me everyday no matter what.