Speechless

We all have heard the news about J.C. Dugard and her children. My heart really really hurts for her. I'm tearful as I write because I can't fathom the terror this child had to go threw. I myself am a survivor of child molestation. It's taken my years to even begin to deal with my truths. For along long time I was mad at Jesus. I blamed him for not protecting me, for not keeping me safe. I was raised as a Catholic and I went to church every Sunday as well as going to Catholic School. I was also abused and beaten by one of the schools nuns. Go figure!

I don't want this blog to be about religion even though I do consider myself as a "Recovering Catholic" I want to write about the hope's of the future and what it holds for all. Yet at the same time I remember just how bad J.C. and her children had to live for the past 18 years. I can not compare any of my experiences to what this child/children had to live threw. But the sad part is her children don't know any different and that's the way it is for many of us doormats. We don't know we are even a doormat much less finding and discovering a different way of life.

"What you don't know, you don't know."

How do you know what a strawberry taste's like if all you've had is plastic.
How do you know what love is if all you've had is pain.

Even though I'm no longer a Catholic. I do believe very strongly. Yet in today's age and from what has been told about J.C. I'm having some doubts. I have to remind myself about the fact that God did give us the ability of choice. It's our privilege to be able and free to make choices. Unfortunately I have come to believe not that not all of us make the right choice's. That is why many people are locked up in prison's.

I don't think Philip Garrido will ever take responsibility for his crimes. His past history proves this.

But to those of you who have knowledge of being a doormat, who have experienced it's demeaning affect it has on us. Do yourself a favor and get some professional help as I have.

If it sounds like I'm rambling more than I normally am. Please understand my lack of focus. I can't stop thinking about J.C. and her babies. Animals are treated better then she was.

The police have there hands full just keep this perp alive. I'm sure there are millions of people having the same thoughts I'm having.

Perfectionism

"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life . . . I think perfectionism is based on the obsessive belief that if you run carefully enough, hitting each stepping-stone just right, you won't have to die. The truth is that you will die anyway and that a lot of people who aren't even looking at their feet are going to do a whole lot better than you, and have a lot more fun while they're doing it."

Just another thought.

If you think for a second that I'm not a doormat. Don't kid yourselve's. I'm probably the thickest and most dorable doormat there is. I never give up. I know what's right for me and no one know's me better. If you believe this I have some great swamp land I can sell you really cheap. I'm the worst of the worst.

This blog is about recovery. Of my experience, strength and hope nothing more. I just figure one doormat can help another. Why not, it works for all kinds of other people. Why not us.

Sister's

Luckily I only have one sister. She can be a real pain in the ass. She tends to hold me to a higher standard that she herself can't live up too. It's O.k. for her to make mistakes and say I'm sorry but if I do that then she won't talk to me. That's what people in my family do if there upset with me. They stop talking to me. Then I feel like I have to beg their forgiveness and kiss there toe's.

Doormat rule no. whatever it doesn't matter, but doormat rule for this. Take the doormat away, then they have nothing to step on anymore. Don't put your feelings out there for them to grab hold of and throw your feelings away when there done. We have to learn that what we say to people has great consequences. Us doormats don't have the best communication skills. If we did we wouldn't be some one's doormat to begin with. We are very sensitive and we get our feeling hurt easily and they know this and they will do as they please with our feelings. So the key is, acceptance. This in no way means you have to like it, just accept it. Sometimes a relationship is too damaged to try and work something out. Sometimes we have to walk away no matter how much it hurts. Funny thing is, by doing this we regain our own self respect.

Respect yourself, Listen to Aretha Franklin, the women knows what she's talking about.

Just a quick note for today. I've been with my husband for over 13 years. There are days when I want to move out and divorce him and days when I can tolerate him. After 13 years the days of wanting to be with him aren't there anymore. I like him, yet can't stand him at the same time. Our sex life is boring, dull, no passion, but adequit I think. Once we get going it's not bad, but there really isn't any foreplay to speak of. Why do men think that pinching a woman's tit will get them going all the time. Don't they realize we have other parts that work. My mother say's maybe I should put on a nice teddy or do something to get him going. Hell, I'd have better luck getting a puppy to piss on the floor. Sometimes I think we stay togethor only because neither one of us can afford to move. Yeah I know this sounds totally pathetic but I think it's the truth.

I'm signed up with an agency to start assessing me regarding training or work. I want to get out of this house and soon. Ron, my husband, is also starting to do something threw unemployment. Not having any money to see a show or go for a drive is really getting on all of our nerves. I'm hoping that when we both are working again or going to school we can focus out lives on something fun. Like traveling, I'd love to travel. Maybe even far far away from here.

wolf's

Family dynamics can be very similar to a pack of wolves. Who is the dominent one, who is a worker, who has status and who eats first/last. When you try and change your behavior. Your also changing the way people react to you. Your/my family, anyone's family is used to a routine and by changing your routine your upsetting the balance of the family as a whole. People don't want to change and when you do they get upset because it, "feels different". Kathy's acting up, she's asserting herself, she's a pain is the ass. Oh well deal with it people.

Last night my sister told me to mind my own business because I'm stirring up the status quo. I'm shaking the apple cart, more like kicking it softly. I'm speaking out on behalf of my mother and by doing so this effects my sister's furture plans.

This happens within any family so it isn't anything new. It's just new to me! It's hard to stand up for yourself when you've been a doormat all your life and say "Hay, this ain't right". It's hard to speak up and face the bully. Life can be very bullish. Us doormats need all the samson's we can find.

Why am I upset.

Wouldn't you know my sister tells me "to mind my own business". Here I am trying to help out my mother stay out of trouble and she tells me to mind my own business. There I go being co-dependant again. I'm trying to shove the large square box into the small round hole and of course I'm expecting different results. "Insanity". Time to let go. If my mother is charged with welfare fraud it's on her. Not that I don't care people, I've tried to talk to her and she does things the way she wants too. To bad she never thinks of how it may affect other people.

Time to go to sleep...I have a meeting tomorrow at 9:00am. Hopefully I'll have something good to write about.

Later

A new dawn

I've been thinking of writing some type of journal for a while now. One my husband can't find. He's noisy and doesn't understand boundaries. Also we've lost our medical insurance and I can no longer go to bitch at my therapist for the wrongs my family has done, again and again. I did learn some tools while I was bitching. Write a journal, release those thoughts onto paper and set yourself free. I don't know how free I'm going to be but at the moment I'm feeling lighter than before. I'll explain.
One of my biggest doormats is my mother. Lord how I don't want to be like her, PLEASE. I can't tell everything I dislike about her now but I can begin with my accomplishments of today.
"I told my mother she can't live with me when she gets older and needs help"
I know this sounds terrible but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. She does have two other children who she gets along with much better than me. The other day I was trying to talk with her about preparing for old age (she's 76) and why she should at least think about it. I mentioned I didn't think it was a good idea for her to live with me. We don't get along and we have a very long history of bad decisions, bad feelings, bad communication. Bad, Bad, Bad.
So she says to me, But what if I want to live with you. I remind her she has two other children who she gets along with much better than me. Then I hear from her, "What are you going to do, Tell me no. YES. I'm going to tell you no! and I have. Not because I don't love you or don't care. But because I do love you and I'm not your doormat anymore.