Isolating

I didn't realize how long it's been since my last post.  So much to say I don't know where to start.  First of all I'm typing with my eyes closed.  Why you say.  I don't know.  Today it just semms to help me dump more stuff.  Less thought goes into what I want to say.  I just type away and dump.  So here goes. 
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O.K.  I feel better now.  Not really alot but better.    Here's my list of SHIT to dump off my doormat. 
My husbands enumployment has been delayed becuase he's trying to inprove himself by going to school.  It's the beginning of our ninth week without a check and I'm getting tired of it.  Fuck...I am tired, worn out, panicky and pissoff.  How can the government delay his payment.  Sure the Obama stimulus package is paying his way threw school but on the state level the EDD office is so fucking back logged with people going to school that the checks aren't getting out in a timely fashion.  Plus.. my car won't start.  WAAAAAAAA!
Then we have my demand letter to "won't mention company".  You have 14 business days to pay up or we take you to court.  I'm asking for $100,00.00!   Nice, but right now I'd settle for anything.  I don't think my attorney realizes how much I need the money.  My ears just started to ring so maybe she's talking about my case.  I'm trying to get my consultant at the DFEH in touch with my attorney and there playing phone tag.  I want this (company) to offer me something yesterday simply so I can pay the rent and not be evicted.

My title today is isolation.....I really need to get out of the house but I'm scared.  I know this sounds crazy but it's my truth.  It's been 21 month's since I got terminated from a job I really wanted to keep.  I got sick, took myself to the hospital and they terminated me.  That's what the suit is about.  They terminated me and I'm tired of it.  I seem to get myself into so much trouble I'm scared to go out..!  My oldest son won't let me see my grand-daughter, my two youngest are grown and don't need mom as much. My sister and I don't speak so I'm home alone.  I don't have any friends to speak off.  Do my neighbors count.  We only talk when we pass each other in the hall.  Why don't I go out to the mall you say.  Because I'm tired of the mall.  We don't have money to spend...Hell I don't even go to the movies anymore.  So the other night I bought a bottle of Seagrams 7.  FUCK,  I think I better call AA.  I'm drowning in all this crap and I need a helping smile of comfort/companionship/words of wisdom/and maybe, just maybe a friend.  Then again I'd probably chase him/her away with my wineing. God I'm on the pitty pot and I hate when I feel like this.  God please help me reach out for help.  Please. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be looked at because I've gained more weight. I just want to be alive again and not scared to go out side.  I think my fear is I get into so much trouble by myself that if I stay home I can't get into trouble.  It's not true.  I've had panic attacks, my husband and I are at each others throats and I am going to stop typing and pick up the thousand pound phone.  Pray for me Lord,