Isolating

I didn't realize how long it's been since my last post.  So much to say I don't know where to start.  First of all I'm typing with my eyes closed.  Why you say.  I don't know.  Today it just semms to help me dump more stuff.  Less thought goes into what I want to say.  I just type away and dump.  So here goes. 
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O.K.  I feel better now.  Not really alot but better.    Here's my list of SHIT to dump off my doormat. 
My husbands enumployment has been delayed becuase he's trying to inprove himself by going to school.  It's the beginning of our ninth week without a check and I'm getting tired of it.  Fuck...I am tired, worn out, panicky and pissoff.  How can the government delay his payment.  Sure the Obama stimulus package is paying his way threw school but on the state level the EDD office is so fucking back logged with people going to school that the checks aren't getting out in a timely fashion.  Plus.. my car won't start.  WAAAAAAAA!
Then we have my demand letter to "won't mention company".  You have 14 business days to pay up or we take you to court.  I'm asking for $100,00.00!   Nice, but right now I'd settle for anything.  I don't think my attorney realizes how much I need the money.  My ears just started to ring so maybe she's talking about my case.  I'm trying to get my consultant at the DFEH in touch with my attorney and there playing phone tag.  I want this (company) to offer me something yesterday simply so I can pay the rent and not be evicted.

My title today is isolation.....I really need to get out of the house but I'm scared.  I know this sounds crazy but it's my truth.  It's been 21 month's since I got terminated from a job I really wanted to keep.  I got sick, took myself to the hospital and they terminated me.  That's what the suit is about.  They terminated me and I'm tired of it.  I seem to get myself into so much trouble I'm scared to go out..!  My oldest son won't let me see my grand-daughter, my two youngest are grown and don't need mom as much. My sister and I don't speak so I'm home alone.  I don't have any friends to speak off.  Do my neighbors count.  We only talk when we pass each other in the hall.  Why don't I go out to the mall you say.  Because I'm tired of the mall.  We don't have money to spend...Hell I don't even go to the movies anymore.  So the other night I bought a bottle of Seagrams 7.  FUCK,  I think I better call AA.  I'm drowning in all this crap and I need a helping smile of comfort/companionship/words of wisdom/and maybe, just maybe a friend.  Then again I'd probably chase him/her away with my wineing. God I'm on the pitty pot and I hate when I feel like this.  God please help me reach out for help.  Please. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be looked at because I've gained more weight. I just want to be alive again and not scared to go out side.  I think my fear is I get into so much trouble by myself that if I stay home I can't get into trouble.  It's not true.  I've had panic attacks, my husband and I are at each others throats and I am going to stop typing and pick up the thousand pound phone.  Pray for me Lord,

Habit of hasty decisions.

I always want to fix things without thinking of the results. I need to have an auto breaking system built into my brain which would force me to slow down. But then the "I know everything" syndrome would take over and a battle would then ensue which would only end up with me having a headache. Talk about seeing the glass half empty. Let's face it. We all wish we could make better judgements. If we could we doormats wouldn't be struggling with out issue's. Part of being a doormat is also part of being co-dependant. From what I understand, being co-dependant is when we put others needs before us even when our actions aren't in our best interests. WE ARE PEOPLE PLEASER'S TO THE MAX. Then when we stand up for ourselves our family's react in disgust. "Your the problem" they say. Well dahhh!, of course I'm the problem. I'm your problem because I will not put up with your crap anymore. I can stand up for myself and if YOU have a problem with that then you have the problem.
Did I just make any sense?

Moving on, My husband starts school tomorrow and I'm going to enjoy having my home to myself again. I'm looking into some volunteer work to get out some. I enjoy working with people and I've heard that being a volunteer can be very rewarding. Maybe I'll even make some friends. I'd love to have friends over for diner. I'm becoming a pretty good cook.

I called my mother yesterday to say I was sorry for all the trouble I gave to her when I was growing up. My 20 year old son is living with me while he goes to college and getting him to do the dishes is like pulling a tooth from a gorilla. I can't wait until he has kids of his own.

Later.

New Discovery

Each day we all should try and discover something new. Be it anything that stricks our interests. Today I found a very different and create way to express oneself threw "the art of story telling ala food." Sounds pretty original to me, I like it. Story telling ala food. O.K. get ahold of yourself it's not like you found the coure for parking tickets. Yet I did realize that I need to keep an open mind mainly because if you don't you close yourselves to color. And I have found that life is in fact Color. How boring things would be if not for color. True some prefer blonds as they say. I prefer milk chocolate. Don't ask me where I'm going with this because hell if I know. I'm stoned.....ohh so stoned.

Back to discovery's. You don't have to be smoking to enjoy color. Sometimes I like to just stare at the fall leaves. If my suit with that company goes threw I'll be a happy lady. Not a rich one, but a happy one.

Letting go hurts so deep.

Just another day in my world folks. I received an e-mail from my sister which said, "your the problem". Nice yes. It's hard when two people who say they love each other can't stand to be around the other. Yet in my heart of hearts I know this is for the best. I know if I let myself get close to her again she would slam the door in my face just as she has before. Letting go means just that, letting go. There's no turning back, no second chances. You cut the chain that binds you and you bravely move on. Trying to keep your head held high. Knowing you have made the right decision. Yet this hurts more than breaking up with a boyfriend, or when you get a divorce. This is family...! and admitting things can not be worked out cuts deep.
I wish her health and happiness. May she continue to always to land on her feet. But I'm sorry sis, too much pain runs under the bridge. But we'll always have Kentucky. I'd rather remember Kentucky than remember how we've fought, how we've let each other down. I'll miss you.

My daughter hasn't come over to my home in almost 2 months, My oldest son doesn't call me nor does he allow me to see my grand daughter. She turned 1 years old last July. She's now 14 months old and I've only seen her once. The day after she was born. If you where to look at the common denominator in all of this. That would be me. At this time I have three people not speaking to me. Two children and one sister.

Maybe I'm trying to chear myself up by writting how letting go hurts and it's the right thing to do. Yet I know I would love to hear from my children.

Three people not speaking to me makes a person wonder if they really are the problem. But I'm tired, so very tired of trying and failing to make people like me. You can't really "make" anyone like you I know this. I suppose I mean I'm tired of trying and getting no where with them.

Sometimes I wonder about moving back East. I know my husband loves me and this is comforting. I love him too.

Oh, By the Way

Did I ever mention I was Bi-Polar. Sorry I missed that part but yeah that's me. Bi-Polar and proud of it. It's great when you want to clean something, bad when your family stays clear of you. My que from my husband is him signing "Manic Monday". Then of course I get mad at him and protest. "I'M NOT MANIC I'M JUST TRYING TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN." Look out the train is loose and speeding down the soft scrub highway.

Being a Bi-Polar doormat is easily understandable. People don't want to be around you much less help you clean anything. They know that if they leave things alone mom will get tired of it and fly threw the house like a witch with golden gloves. Comet in one hand and sponge in the other. God Bless the fool who gets in her way. The tidy man even hides. The cats go under the bed and my husband comes out in about three days.

Is it clear yet, has she landed. Usually they can tell it's over when I remember to eat.

Did you notice

I'm not the best speller on the planet. God Bless spell check. Now just remind me to use it more often.

Choclate

Do you prefer dark or light chocolate. I prefer light, the dark is too strong for me. It doesn't matter really it's just a question. I've chosen the title "Chocolate" because Today I'm describing my door mat as just that, "Chocolate". Why you ask, because I was talking with a nice person today and I said I was trying to shave the thickness of my chocolate doormat. Question?, do I eat the shavings or is this even possible. I'll just say I like chocolate.

As I've mentioned doormat's come in many different styles, shapes, sizes, and what they are made of depends on your own personal perception. For today, chocolate is sweet. Some day's my doormat is made of chicken fat, lard, steel, or the classic dog shit. It's all perception really. Yet it's our thoughts and perception of ourselves that really make up the doormat to begin with.
For example: If we didn't feel trampled on, walked on, stepped on, or just plain run over. We wouldn't be feeling like a doormat. We'd feel the sun's light on our faces. The cool breeze that comes with the change of the season. We wouldn't feel tired and sad, hopeless or mad, fearful and glad, Glad where did I get glad,, How can you be fearful yet glad at the same time.
Anyone of you who are fearful are on the right track. We don't know what not feeling like a doormat feels like. We don't know what it's like to be confident and free. So yeah....being fearful is O.K. for a doormat. It takes courage and nothing short of a strong resolve to want to change the way we are. Yet by changing and growing we learn to love ourselves. The fear comes from not knowing if the one's you love will love you back. At this point I'm not sure I even care anymore if they do or they don't care about me.

Have you ever experienced unconditional love. " I have ". My cat loves me everyday no matter what.