Post Holiday Update.

      It's a new year filled with new beginnings.  Ron and I had a beautiful Christmas which really helped our self esteem a lot.  We planned a party and Ron's family came with food and gifts and good attitudes too.  Everyone got along and enjoyed each others company.  It really turned out wonderfully.  We couldn't be more pleased.  In fact........we've been volunteered to do the Christmas party each year.  I'm not so thrilled about that but hey,  I'll do it.   I don't know why we didn't do this before!
      As for me......I'm bored again.  My claim against RAS hasn't gone anywhere.  But there has been a new development.  I found my friend threw Facebook.  She's signing a declaration and this should put RAS behind the eight ball because it discounts there statement and basically says they lied.  Hopefully this will turn into dollar signs for me.  Lot's and Lot's of dollar sign's.
      Other than that.....I'm trying to get a job threw USAJOBS.  This web site is for jobs with the Federal Government.  They have wonderful benefits.  They job I'm interested in is located in Tracy.  I know this is a drive but I was thinking I would rent a room and come home on my days off.  Since I'd still be getting my social security for a year.  Renting a room is an option.  Then when Ron completes his schooling maybe we'll move to tracy if things work out.  This of course depends on if I get the job of course.  With todays economy I'll take a job almost anywhere.

What to do.

He's done it again.  He's proved to me that he doesn't have the capability to understand his actions.  He just doesn't get it.  I've looked into the definition of a sociopath and at the time I didn't think Ron was one. But with this latest action I'm not so sure.  It doesn't really matter what it was that he did.  It's just that knowing this makes me wonder if I should stay or go.  Many many times I've thought about getting my own storage unti and packing it with dishes, pots, pans, towels.  Things I would need to make the great escape. 
    Hold it a minute...!  Aren't I doing just the same thing as MY mother.
I think I'm confused....Sure my husband is a jerk.  Stupid at times, unthoughtfull, lasks feelings, doesn't cope in todays world and lives in Ron's World.   But and this is huge Kathryn....He's always there for you.  He's always there for you.  This man who lacks feelings has sat in an E.R. waiting room with you for 10 + hours.  He came to visit you in the hospital last year everyday.  Every single day....!   He does the dishes, helps out with the laundry.  Yet he isn't a very touchy, feely type of guy....!   True he isn't emotionally available, but fuck kathryn you can't expect him to be perfect..  Or do you..?
Maybe I want to bult and run because I'm the one who's emotionally unavailable.  Or I want to be the drama queen again.  I tend to freak out if I don't have a lot of drama going on.
    I'm tired of myself....!   All I want right now is some stability.  Some peace and quit in my home and in my life.  No deaths, no terminations, no moving, no drama.  Maybe vocational rehab was right.  I do have a lot going on.  It doesn't feel that way because I live it dailly.  I know I'm not actually doing anything by ways of work or volunterring.  I did try and take a class yesterday. But the school canceled it.   I did none the less find out about some new classes offered that I'm going to take.  This is the only type of drama I want at this time.  I can live with this. ! 
    All I want for Christmas is peace and quit.  A nice settlement to keep us comfortable and maybe a trip to the snow with some hot cocoa & marshmellows along side a warm fire.  You get the picture.

Isolating

I didn't realize how long it's been since my last post.  So much to say I don't know where to start.  First of all I'm typing with my eyes closed.  Why you say.  I don't know.  Today it just semms to help me dump more stuff.  Less thought goes into what I want to say.  I just type away and dump.  So here goes. 
FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
O.K.  I feel better now.  Not really alot but better.    Here's my list of SHIT to dump off my doormat. 
My husbands enumployment has been delayed becuase he's trying to inprove himself by going to school.  It's the beginning of our ninth week without a check and I'm getting tired of it.  Fuck...I am tired, worn out, panicky and pissoff.  How can the government delay his payment.  Sure the Obama stimulus package is paying his way threw school but on the state level the EDD office is so fucking back logged with people going to school that the checks aren't getting out in a timely fashion.  Plus.. my car won't start.  WAAAAAAAA!
Then we have my demand letter to "won't mention company".  You have 14 business days to pay up or we take you to court.  I'm asking for $100,00.00!   Nice, but right now I'd settle for anything.  I don't think my attorney realizes how much I need the money.  My ears just started to ring so maybe she's talking about my case.  I'm trying to get my consultant at the DFEH in touch with my attorney and there playing phone tag.  I want this (company) to offer me something yesterday simply so I can pay the rent and not be evicted.

My title today is isolation.....I really need to get out of the house but I'm scared.  I know this sounds crazy but it's my truth.  It's been 21 month's since I got terminated from a job I really wanted to keep.  I got sick, took myself to the hospital and they terminated me.  That's what the suit is about.  They terminated me and I'm tired of it.  I seem to get myself into so much trouble I'm scared to go out..!  My oldest son won't let me see my grand-daughter, my two youngest are grown and don't need mom as much. My sister and I don't speak so I'm home alone.  I don't have any friends to speak off.  Do my neighbors count.  We only talk when we pass each other in the hall.  Why don't I go out to the mall you say.  Because I'm tired of the mall.  We don't have money to spend...Hell I don't even go to the movies anymore.  So the other night I bought a bottle of Seagrams 7.  FUCK,  I think I better call AA.  I'm drowning in all this crap and I need a helping smile of comfort/companionship/words of wisdom/and maybe, just maybe a friend.  Then again I'd probably chase him/her away with my wineing. God I'm on the pitty pot and I hate when I feel like this.  God please help me reach out for help.  Please. I don't want to be judged. I don't want to be looked at because I've gained more weight. I just want to be alive again and not scared to go out side.  I think my fear is I get into so much trouble by myself that if I stay home I can't get into trouble.  It's not true.  I've had panic attacks, my husband and I are at each others throats and I am going to stop typing and pick up the thousand pound phone.  Pray for me Lord,

Habit of hasty decisions.

I always want to fix things without thinking of the results. I need to have an auto breaking system built into my brain which would force me to slow down. But then the "I know everything" syndrome would take over and a battle would then ensue which would only end up with me having a headache. Talk about seeing the glass half empty. Let's face it. We all wish we could make better judgements. If we could we doormats wouldn't be struggling with out issue's. Part of being a doormat is also part of being co-dependant. From what I understand, being co-dependant is when we put others needs before us even when our actions aren't in our best interests. WE ARE PEOPLE PLEASER'S TO THE MAX. Then when we stand up for ourselves our family's react in disgust. "Your the problem" they say. Well dahhh!, of course I'm the problem. I'm your problem because I will not put up with your crap anymore. I can stand up for myself and if YOU have a problem with that then you have the problem.
Did I just make any sense?

Moving on, My husband starts school tomorrow and I'm going to enjoy having my home to myself again. I'm looking into some volunteer work to get out some. I enjoy working with people and I've heard that being a volunteer can be very rewarding. Maybe I'll even make some friends. I'd love to have friends over for diner. I'm becoming a pretty good cook.

I called my mother yesterday to say I was sorry for all the trouble I gave to her when I was growing up. My 20 year old son is living with me while he goes to college and getting him to do the dishes is like pulling a tooth from a gorilla. I can't wait until he has kids of his own.

Later.

New Discovery

Each day we all should try and discover something new. Be it anything that stricks our interests. Today I found a very different and create way to express oneself threw "the art of story telling ala food." Sounds pretty original to me, I like it. Story telling ala food. O.K. get ahold of yourself it's not like you found the coure for parking tickets. Yet I did realize that I need to keep an open mind mainly because if you don't you close yourselves to color. And I have found that life is in fact Color. How boring things would be if not for color. True some prefer blonds as they say. I prefer milk chocolate. Don't ask me where I'm going with this because hell if I know. I'm stoned.....ohh so stoned.

Back to discovery's. You don't have to be smoking to enjoy color. Sometimes I like to just stare at the fall leaves. If my suit with that company goes threw I'll be a happy lady. Not a rich one, but a happy one.

Letting go hurts so deep.

Just another day in my world folks. I received an e-mail from my sister which said, "your the problem". Nice yes. It's hard when two people who say they love each other can't stand to be around the other. Yet in my heart of hearts I know this is for the best. I know if I let myself get close to her again she would slam the door in my face just as she has before. Letting go means just that, letting go. There's no turning back, no second chances. You cut the chain that binds you and you bravely move on. Trying to keep your head held high. Knowing you have made the right decision. Yet this hurts more than breaking up with a boyfriend, or when you get a divorce. This is family...! and admitting things can not be worked out cuts deep.
I wish her health and happiness. May she continue to always to land on her feet. But I'm sorry sis, too much pain runs under the bridge. But we'll always have Kentucky. I'd rather remember Kentucky than remember how we've fought, how we've let each other down. I'll miss you.

My daughter hasn't come over to my home in almost 2 months, My oldest son doesn't call me nor does he allow me to see my grand daughter. She turned 1 years old last July. She's now 14 months old and I've only seen her once. The day after she was born. If you where to look at the common denominator in all of this. That would be me. At this time I have three people not speaking to me. Two children and one sister.

Maybe I'm trying to chear myself up by writting how letting go hurts and it's the right thing to do. Yet I know I would love to hear from my children.

Three people not speaking to me makes a person wonder if they really are the problem. But I'm tired, so very tired of trying and failing to make people like me. You can't really "make" anyone like you I know this. I suppose I mean I'm tired of trying and getting no where with them.

Sometimes I wonder about moving back East. I know my husband loves me and this is comforting. I love him too.

Oh, By the Way

Did I ever mention I was Bi-Polar. Sorry I missed that part but yeah that's me. Bi-Polar and proud of it. It's great when you want to clean something, bad when your family stays clear of you. My que from my husband is him signing "Manic Monday". Then of course I get mad at him and protest. "I'M NOT MANIC I'M JUST TRYING TO CLEAN THE KITCHEN." Look out the train is loose and speeding down the soft scrub highway.

Being a Bi-Polar doormat is easily understandable. People don't want to be around you much less help you clean anything. They know that if they leave things alone mom will get tired of it and fly threw the house like a witch with golden gloves. Comet in one hand and sponge in the other. God Bless the fool who gets in her way. The tidy man even hides. The cats go under the bed and my husband comes out in about three days.

Is it clear yet, has she landed. Usually they can tell it's over when I remember to eat.